Left in a Cloud of Dust

American Waw (I have to specify because ‘waw’ means ‘yes’ in Wolof and it can get confusing when I am talking to the other volunteers if I don’t), it has been almost 1 and ½ months since I had internet access and written a blog. I told you internet would be limited.  It is probably hard to imagine since in the states we constantly have internet access, if not on our computers then on our phones.  The closet town with electricity is 25 Km and internet about 60 Km. It has been surprisingly easy to adopt to and at times enjoyable to live without electricity.  Ask me that 2 months ago and you might have gotten a very different answer.  There is a noticeable learning curve in the whole process of moving to my permanent site.  The first 2 weeks started with a bit of a down slope; the fallowing weeks have exponentially continued to up slope.

Allow me to go in chronological order, from bad to good.  It all started May 14^th:

I was literally dropped off in front of my house with my luggage. The Land Cruiser was unloaded in 10 min and they were leaving in a cloud of dust. I stood there waving as the PC driver looked at me through the rearview mirror.  The first thoughts that came to my head were: ‘…and now I am alone’ and ‘now what do I do?’ I went into my room and just sat there and sweat, both from the heat and the unknown.  It was a bit of a punch in the stomach, coming from a big high of partying to feeling completely alone.  The other volunteers call it post Banjul depression (hanging out with all your friends then going back to slow village life takes a couple of days of readjustment).  It was that feeling plus being alone for the first time in a couple months.   Actually, I was the first time being alone like this ever.  I traveled to Asia, had apartments to myself, and meditated for hours but I never felt like this.   I was here to live with people I did not know, speak a language I could not really speak and do a job I did not know how to do.  You would probably feel the walls closing in on you too.     I said I would be honest and I am not ashamed to say – I cried.  Two days in, a wave of emotions hit me; I sat down on the floor and cried until the tears stopped.   While it is not commonly known fact about me, it is something I do on occasion and a good cry cleanses my soul. The blog header set not false pretenses, this was the first time but it will not be the last.

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are the rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried then before – more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” Charles Dickens, Great Expectations